The Dash in Between

 I have heard it said that between the date of birth and the date of death is a dash and it represents all the living you did in between.  I have thought about that with all the funerals I have been to in the past two years.  What will my dash say about my life.  Will my life have mattered to anyone for any reason?  Anyone who battles with depression knows that thoughts like this is not a rabbit trail you want to go down because it leads to darkness.  So...here I am, in the midst of the battle trying to answer the question of what makes a person "special"...what makes me "special" and this is what I have come up with, with a little help from my friends.

I asked if outward beauty, an incredible talent, the ability to lead or organize, etc, are the things that make someone special.  These are some of the responses that I received:

"It is not at all outward beauty in my opinion. I have a dear friend who is very special. He is a father to a girl with severe autism. He is caring, has compassion for his daughter and others. Always there to help others who need help. Gets little to no sleep every night. Gets his kids off to school everyday. Gets himself to work, home again at the end of the day. Helps his wife with cooking, cleaning, bathing kids. His day is a long and busy day yet I have never ever heard him complain." MSD


"What makes someone special is being able to look at the world and the people in it, and see good, be happy, and give.....always without expectation." SOS

I now realize that my idea of "special," in regards to me personally, is totally messed up.  What I see as special in others is loving, kind, compassionate, forgiving, loyal, trustworthy, faithful, honest and considerate.  Yet, even when I recognize these qualities in myself, I don't see my life as "special," I only see it as completely ordinary.

As I read God's Word, I see Him taking ordinary people and using them to do extraordinary things.  Even then, there is no record of them seeing themselves as anyone "special."  They continued living their "ordinary" lives, listening and obeying the voice of God.

Day after day, the devil tells me I am ordinary, there is nothing special about me and I have bought into those lies by feeling like I have no point, that I am simply taking up space.  Feeling like my life will be a waste and that I will leave behind nothing that matters.  A failure in this life--a failure when I stand before God.

When I am asked "who I am" my response has always been about what I do, such as wife, mom, daughter, pastor's wife, church pianist, photographer, etc.  Someone, just recently, reminded me that is not who I am, it is what I do, the roles I have been given in this life.

I know who God's Word says that I am as His child and if that is the case, why do I have this issue?  It is one thing to KNOW something, but something else to believe it.  So, how do I come to the place of believing that I am fearfully and wonderfully made, that I am the daughter of the King of kings, that I am precious in God's eyes, so much so, that His only Son willingly laid down His life for me?  The answer to the million dollar question is simply the same way I learned to believe the lies from hell, by listening to God rather than Satan--hearing God's truth every day and using it to combat the lies that has tried to destroy me and this ordinary life that God wants to make extraordinary.

I don't share any of this for affirmation from anyone who reads this.  I share it because through all of this I have felt alone and the truth is, there are far more people in my sphere of influence who are going through similar thoughts and feelings and I want you to know that you are NOT alone.  One, God is with you and two...there are others who truly do understand.  I do welcome comments and participation with these posts. 

Hope in the struggle

I am not in a good place mentally or emotionally.  I just don't care!  Yet, somewhere deep inside, I do care, I keep fighting.  Something in my spirit will not allow me to roll over and die.  In the midst of this depression, I have peace, I have hope.  I know that God has not left me or forsaken me.  Even though my mouth cannot form a prayer, I know that God hears my heart's cry.  He collects every tear that falls and keeps them for a memorial.  He pours oil on the emotional wounds, caused by others whether intentional or not, during this fragile state.  His strength is made perfect in my weakness.  He must love thru me, carry me and be my strength.  I just don't have it in me in this moment!

While I may not be in a good place, I know that God is in control and that He will see me through.  I cannot trust in what I feel or even what I see.  I must trust in what I know.  I know that God's Word is true.  I know that He has never failed to keep His promises.  I know that He loves me and will never leave me defenseless for He is my defender, my strong tower.  This post isn't a pity party, but a reminder that God is faithful, that thru Christ we have hope no matter the circumstances that we are facing.  I may be struggling, but I can be thankful that my God will see me through and that there is hope that brighter days are ahead.